Thyme's Arrow

Thyme’s arrow

By Taurus and the Turra Coo^[1], fit^[2] hiv we here? Hello in there? Can you hear me? Blink twice for aye. For yes? Yes! Welcome, welcome! Sorry, I’ll whisper. Michty, dash the bit^[3], this is, this is…a surprise. 

Do you want me to open your stasis-crib, or fitever you cry^[4] it? The door-lid hingmie^[5] seems to be stuck half-open. Here we go. You’re doing fine. Seems only your crib activated after your mischanter^[6], em, landing, but I’m sure we, that’s the hail^[7] colony and me, will work oot^[8] how to help your chums…three men and two women. Their cribs seem fine, well, the lights are on and nothin’s flashing! Always a guid^[9] sign. 

My, all the way from Terra, is it^[10]? I took a keek^[11] at the symbols on the ship hatch. We’ll sort oot^[12] your gang the morn^[13]. It’s night-time here, you see, and I’m the only one aboot^[14], well, me and the Rabbies – say ’Hiya^[15] to oor^[16] new guest, Rabbies. Pretty nifty, aren’t they, for their age. Repaired umpteen^[17] times. Fit’s that? Em, your vocal cords need time to recover, as will your other org–. Woah, steady, you can’t be walking yet. Oor air’s a bittie^[18] on the thin side but you get used to it. Rabbie Wallace, how can we transport our guest? Grand, go and fetch the muckle^[19] one. 

Dinna gee yer ginger^[20]. Please calm down. The robot. Is. Bringing. A. Wheelbarrow. It’s a…ach, you’ll ken^[21] fan you see it. You. Will. Recognise. It. Best we can offer in the circumstances, but we’ll mak^[22] it comfy and you can lie back and I’ll take you to…ah, now that’s a shame. The storm’s not letting up, so no comms link with the colony for the time being. 

Oor best route to the nearest town (that’s my one, New Deer ^[23]Theta) is impassable. Never mind, we’ll nip over to Rubislaw^[24] – that’s ain^[25] o’^[26] the garden centres – and fix you a fly^[27] cup and a fancy piece^[28] – every garden centre has a cafe, just like olden-times Terra – because I don’t think your fancy-dan^[29] nutri-dispensers have re-activated. Aye, off-line. 

A dae ken fit howf^[30] these things do and, nope, the Rabbies dae ken either, so we’ll hiv to wait for you and your pals to tell us. What a treat that’ll be. Aye, this is some ship you have, even with the crash damage, em, wee dent. 

You’ll think us a bunch of neeps^[31] not knowing aboot all your tech, but oor access to the Annals stopped upgrading after iOS 3,011.7, and sometimes bits defrag for no reason, so we are way, way behind with news and, well, totally aathing^[32]! We keep sending oor biennial report, but it’s ages syne^[33] anyone responded to oor news. 

Nothing interesting comes back, just which ores are wanted and how much – you get through a wheen^[34] o’ Heinleinium and Huxleyite on Terra these days! Still, all the more K-Dickite and LeGuin crystals for us. We tried to find what was happening on Terra through Q-srch, but noo it only updates instruction manuals – practical, but. We’ll have a grand time picking your brains. When you’re nae sae crochlie^[35]. Em, when you are feeling perkier.

There, all comfy now? Snug as a pod in a dock, as granny used to say. Truth be told, she used to say snug as a tug^[36] in Macduff^[37], because her great-great-granda said it but got fed up explaining hisself^[38]. The protect-o-skootch will see us safely over to the centre and Effie and Flora, they’re the ones trying to connect to your mainframe – knock it aff, youse two, afore ye brak somethin’^[39]! They’re my other Rabbies and they’ll secure your ship hatches then give you a smooth ride to Rubislaw. You’ve had enough bumps.

We’d love to have tunnels everywhere, but after all the quarrying and mining, um, incidents, we relocated – that’s three towns – to this solid part of Daedalus. That meant the Gokaidō^[40] – oor main roads – had to be above ground and covered. For, you know, safety. After a few…hiccups, we worked oot how to collapse the covers in sections, for when the sand storms were doing their worst, then the Rabbies clear the debris and fold up the covers again. Great system. It was young Ryoko in Edo^[41] Jūichi^[42] town (over in that direction) who worked it oot, using origami. It’s a…  It’s really clever.

Nearly there, oh crivvens^[43], was I singing? Can’t hold a tune. Didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just oot massel^[44] with excitement. It’s usually only me and the Rabbies at night, collecting, and to pass the time, I sing shanties – you know, ancient travelling songs that families passed down? ‘The road’s closed ‘tween Tomintoul and Cock Bridge^[45]’, ‘Ye missed the shipping forecast, numpty^[46]’, ‘Snow gates of Braemar^[47]’, ‘The landing lights of auld Aberdeen^[48]’…no? They’re really catchy. 

D’you know, if I hadn’t nipped up to the crest of Raedykes^[49] Ridge for a, well, never mind, I’d have not seen your ship sliding down into Torry^[50] Gully. You were silent as a tardigrade’s fart. Em, you were very quiet. Have you got anti-friction shields or some kind of cloaking hingmie^[51]? You fair^[52] sneaked in, though I’m sure you didn’t mean to. Ah! Here we are: Rubislaw. Lovely use of a crater, don’t you think? Try some water. It’s filtered through, well, it’s like limestone and only a wee bittie radioacti–. There, that’s better. 

Steady, your body’s waking up, getting used to oor gravity. How aboot something to take the edge off? I’ve brown sookers^[53], specialty of Flanders^[54] Vier town – that’s over yon^[55]. The Flandries come up with all sorts of – oh, you’ve heard aboot brownies. Yes, we franchised the recipe, ages back, and it fair brings in the credits. So, these will help your saliva glands and…sure, help yourself. Maybe not that many. I think three is plenty for the time being, I’ll keep the rest safe for later, thank you. Noo, try to relax. Oh my, you are relaxed, nearly slid aff the barrow! The brownies are stronger here, did I not say? Maybe you’re ready for a snack.

Eff, bring us a mini-platter. 

We haven’t had guests for an affa^[56] long time, certainly not unplanned ones, so you will be a  star beyond compare. When it’s safe to return ootside and meet everyone. 

I have you all to myself for noo^[57], and on the eve of Nan Shepherd^[58] Day! It must be a sign! We have special days over the hail year. You’ll love this, it’s like the old saints’ days on Terra in mediaeval times, but each town decides their own, depending on where their very earliest ancestors lived. I hope oor land, the Grampian^[59], is still above water these days, but places never change, really, for Xpats^[60], like us. They stay perfect. Yes, we’ve quite the genetic inheritance – oor folk were tough, hard-working and adaptable, just like we are today here, dirdin^[61] on, all those parsecs from the Old Country. 

Ah, where was I? The Days. We share them between towns of course, sharing is…very important to us. 

Now, yesterday was Jacobs’ Day, that’s Aletta Jacobs^[62] and Violet Jacobs^[63]. What a laugh: we pretended women didn’t have a say in anything – imagine! And then we wrote poems aboot it. The one I did goes…OK, I’ll recite it for you another time. We’re always looking for new saints, when the Annals are working. We’ve just added Denis Law^[64] Day – an electrical flare gave the Annals a brief dunt^[65] up the bahookie^[66]. We can’t wait to find what ‘footie ball’ was. Maybe you know? No problem, it’ll wait.

Only crewless freighters come here, to collect ores and stuff and drop off supplies. Long ago, ships would deliver new colonists to avoid, em, difficulties with the auld^[67] gene pool…onywye^[68], we’re pretty self-sufficient now, in all but the gene—

And here’s something to whet your appetite. Bet you didn’t think you’d see this in the back of beyond! Again, we owe a lot to Edo ingenuity – all those mouth-watering colours and shapes and 50 ways with mycoprotein! 

These flowers here are all edible and that bonnie green stuff hingin^[69] roon^[70] us is oor seaweed farm, a New Deer development, no less. We spliced bromeliad, dulse and nori with, ach, tell you later. Main thing is, it thrives on air. Cleaner air than Terra’s, or has that improved at last? Hard to imagine. And for growing everything else, well, that’s where me and my collecting chums come in: The Sharn^[71] Shovellers! Have you heard of night soil? Amazing stuff, just packed full of–. 

Oh, you’re still dwaublie^[72], poor lassie. 

Eff can spoon-feed you. Say two grams of this, the Bill Gibb^[73] mochi? It’s really soft,  nutritious and… No rush, just raise a finger when you’re ready. 

Wallie and Flo, complete the collection rounds and haste ye back^[74]. 

While we’re waiting for the storm to pass, I really must show you oor new wonder, the one in oor last report. 

Fit’s that? Don’t strain your voice. No need to grip my arm, I want to help. Good that your strength’s coming back though. Hud on a mintie^[75], maybes I left a notepad with my tools. Ah, here it is. I’ll hold it steady and you tap what you’re wanting to say.

Extend time?!!!

Em, you’ve got me there, sorry, no idea, but give yourself a mo’ then have another go. So, as I was saying, oor ancestors couldn’t rely on supply ships for food forever and after a lot of experimentation with a few carbohydrate plants, pepped them up with protein and so on and, of course, had to vary the look, flavour and aa that. There would’ve been a riot otherwise! Then there was no stopping us! Once your jaw is working again, you are in for a feast and a half. You’ll be horsin into it^[76].

Now, let’s wheel you over here to my nursery of spices and herbs and my newest baby – isn’t he beautiful? It’s Thyme. I’ve named him John Duncan^[77], after the great…well, that is a story for later. It’s a fragrant herb. You know herbs? Stick your nose in young John. Stunning, is it? I’m so, so proud. 

That’s why I entered a voice-activated section in oor last report – something that special couldn’t be left to a Rabbie to key in! 

What say!!@*##!

Michty^[78], you’re as excited as me. I think I said ‘Great News! We have mastered how to grow Thyme’ into Otto – that’s oor autotranscriber. Ancient, but it works. Most of the time. And I said something about it changing the future, but Otto sent off the report at that point. Or did I say ‘We’ve mastered Thyme’? Of course, I meant for the future of meals here and I had so much to say– 

Not check msg/????!!!!

Ca’ canny^[79], you’ll hurt yourself. Let’s move the pad away now. 

We only get a blink-and-ye-miss-it transmission window these days – radiation echo disruption, or somesuch – so Otto has to send the report before the slot shuts. Such are the fun and games oot here. Goodness, who wouldn’t be thrilled to bring a new flavour into this world? Decent food’s a joy! 

Don’t you fret over me and my special message being cut off. It was a shame, but I’ll try to add the technical details in two years’ time and who knows what other plants we might create by then.

Oh dear. You have a good greet^[80], let it all oot. Would a bosie^[81] help? OK, OK…how aboot a hankie^[82]? We make the cloth from mycelium. It’s affa interesting, we…sorry, sorry, I’ll be quiet. 

It’s all a bit much, is it, all that inter-stellar flight and the, em, arrival, and waking up all alone on a strange planet – you didn’t mean to land here, of course, and we’ll all be so interested to hear where you were heading – and all this while your friends are still in stasis, and wee me – we’re all small, it’s the gravity – blethering^[83] on at you. 

Don’t you worry, ma bonnie dearie, we’ll mak ye ain o the family in no time.  

^[1] The Turriff Cow. It relates to a dispute involving the government and the sale of a cow more than a century ago. The town of Turriff is one of many actual place names in NE Scotland mentioned in the story.

^[2] Frequently in Doric (the dialect of NE Scotland) an ‘f’ replaces where standard English would use ‘wh’, thus what becomes fit, who becomes fa, when becomes fan, whatever becomes fitever, and so on. But not in in the case of Whisky.

^[3] Goodness me

^[4] call

^[5] thing

^[6] Accident, mishap

^[7] whole

^[8] out

^[9] good

^[10] In the North East, you often hear ‘is it’, instead of the more common ‘isn’t it’

^[11] look

^[12] out

^[13] The morn is ‘in the morning’ or tomorrow. The morn’s morn is the day after tomorrow.

^[14] about

^[15] hi

^[16] our

^[17] countless

^[18] Doric often add ‘ie’ to words, not to add meaning, but perhaps for the lilt. A man becomes a mannie, a minute of time becomes a mintie.

^[19] Very big. The phrase ‘Mony a mickle maks a muckle’ loosely translates as ‘many small things add up’.

^[20] Don’t get agitated

^[21] know

^[22] make

^[23] New Deer is a village in an agricultural area of Aberdeenshire

^[24] Rubislaw is the site of a huge, now disused, granite quarry in Aberdeen. Many of the buildings in Aberdeen, the largest conurbation in this region, are made of granite, leading it to be known as the Granite City.

^[25] one

^[26] of

^[27] A fly cup can be a quickly taken cup of tea/coffee, also one which you have when you should be working instead

^[28] cake or biscuit.

^[29] sophisticated

^[30] I don’t know what half of these things do

^[31] Turnips – neep is one of many words for a foolish or unsophisticated person

^[32] everything

^[33] since

^[34] A large amount

^[35] Not so unwell

^[36] A small boat that helps larger ones move in and out of harbours

^[37] Macduff is a town on the north coast of NE Scotland with a strong maritime history.

^[38] himself

^[39] Stop it, you two, before you break something

^[40] In Japan, before the mid-1800s,  there were five highways linking the major centres.

^[41] Edo was the original name for Tokyo

^[42] Eleven in Japanese

^[43] goodness

^[44] Beyond myself

^[45] These are both NE Scotland places and, in winter, snow often blocks access

^[46] idiot

^[47] Village and host to the annual Highland Games.

^[48] This is a twist on a real and treasured song ‘The northern lights of old Aberdeen’, written by Englishwoman Mary Webb, who had not visited the city.

^[49] A tiny settlement with remains of an Roman encampment from possibly the 1^st century. The Ancient Romans did not venture much further north as it is thought that there was little of value make it worth fighting the locals.

^[50] A suburb of Aberdeen

^[51] thing

^[52] fairly

^[53] A sooker (from sook, to suck) is a boiled sweet/candy. In the early days of commercial confectionary making, many towns had their own speciality. One, still available, bears its place name of Berwick-upon-Tweed: the mint-flavoured Berwick Cockle, with distinctive pink and cream stripes.

^[54] This indicates the Earth origin of the third town, Flanders, the old name for the Dutch-speaking part of north Belgium.

^[55] yonder

^[56] awfully

^[57] now

^[58] Nan Shepherd (1893-1981) born in Cults near Aberdeen, specialised in writing about the North-East landscape. Her image appears on the £5 Royal Bank of Scotland note, introduced in 2016.

^[59] Grampian is often used to denote the modern administrative areas of Moray, Aberdeenshire and Aberdeen city.

^[60] Ex-pats

^[61] Working

^[62] Dutch feminist (1854-1929) and pacifist.

^[63] North-East poet (1863-1946), born in Angus, the administrative area adjoining Aberdeenshire in the south. Violet Jacobs wrote in Scots dialect.

^[64] Denis Law (1940-2025) an Aberdeen-born footballer who became a Scotland, Manchester United and Manchester City striker. He was the only Scottish player to have won the Ballon d’Or.

^[65] Shove, strike

^[66] backside

^[67] old

^[68] anyway

^[69] hanging

^[70] around

^[71] Excrement, usually of cattle, but in this case….

^[72] Wobbly, feeble

^[73] Fashion designer (1943-1988) from the fishing town of Fraserburgh (known locally as the Broch) on the North East’s north coast. His flamboyant and colourful creations became internationally renowned.

^[74] Hurry back

^[75] Wait a minute

^[76] Eating with supreme enthusiasm

^[77] Self-taught botanist (1794-1881) who achieved global acclaim and support from established scientists including Darwin. John Duncan was born in Stonehaven, a town on the east coast, close to Dunnottar Castle.

^[78] Goodness

^[79] Be careful.

^[80] Cry.

^[81] A cuddle. Bosie is in current use in the North East and probably derives from bosom.

^[82] handkerchief

^[83] chattering