The Alien Invasion

Ely Percy

Ah wis abducted by aliens wance. Never tolt anywan but. It wis nearly forty year ago an ah knew whit folk wid say. The wans in ma class wid be aw, Did yi aye? Zat when yi had yir first anal probe? Zat why yir a fuckin space cadet? Probly widda thought ah wis jist makin it up fur attention anyway. Ma ma an da definitely wid. That’s whit they tried tae say that time ah smacked ma heid aff the livin room waw after ma da shoved me oot the road ae the telly – they tried tae say thir wis nothin up wi me, that ah wis jist pure at it, pure tryin tae get extra time aff school.

Fair play, ah did huv previous – ah’d a bit ae bother aff Mister Bueller the Maths teacher cause ah twice got caught doggin his tutorials. Yi’d still hink sumdy widda took me tae the hospital though. Ah tolt them umpteen times ah wis feelin weird, an ah’d a massive big bruise on the side ae ma noggin. But naw. Ma ma wis like, Och yi’ll be fine wance yi huv an early night. Ma da wis jist pit oot cause he knew he’d huv tae forego watchin the rest ae his Channel Four darts tournament. Aye that wull be right, he roart, Ah’m no traipsin aw the way tae the Southern General fur you ya meladramatic wee shite.

No that ma da ever did anythin tae strain hissel. He’d never worked since he left the John Neilson, an his greatest claim as a faither wis the story ae how he used tae take us tae this Buck Rogers restaurant in Glasgow when ah wis a wean. Yi wantet tae see the inside ae this gaff, he’d say whenever he’d an audience, It wis aw done up lik a space-ship – pure brilliant so it wis – an the fid wis served by actual robots an the real waitresses wur dressed as aliens! Accordin tae ma da, ah pure loved it an ah gret the face aff him tae go anytime we wur up the toon. Ah don’t remember any ae this by the way; whit ah dae remember is gettin took tae some clatty burger place where the flairs wur aw sticky an thir wis hardly any light; ah got papped in front ae a big projector screen that played reruns ae the same shitey TV show, week in week oot, whilst he got pished wi his pals at the bar.

When ma parents finally phoned an ambulance fur us, it wis a full two days later, an only because ah took a mad seizure whilst helpin ma ma prepare the totties fur wur Sunday dinner. It wis horrible tae see, she said, Yi wur on the flair jerkin away good style still haudin ontae the peeler an yi endet up gougin a big skliff a skin aff yir ain chin. Aye horrible, mumbult ma da, who’d missed the full drama because he’d been watchin V: The Final Battle.

Ma da used tae be heavy intae aw the auld sci-fi programmes – Star Trek, Mork An Mindy, Dr Who, you-name-it; V wis his favourite though, an he’d aw the episodes on Betamax; he also had a signed photie ae Jane Badler aka Diana the evil Visitor that wis his pure pride an joy. After ah hud ma heid injury he startet askin me tae sit an watch his programmes wi him. Ah wisnae really interestet especially since ah’d a constant heidache an ah couldnae concentrate on anythin fur mair than a few seconds, but ah didnae want tae upset him so ah jist did it. Ah knew he felt bad aboot whit he’d done tae me – the doctors said ah’d a fracturt skull an it’d take six months tae heal, but luckily they didnae hink ah’d need invasive surgery; they also said ah’d probly always be left wi slight brain damage. Ma da didnae actually apologise as such, but he chucked the bevvy awthegether, an never wance did he lift his haun tae me again.

Yir probly wonderin by noo whit this has got tae dae wi an alien abduction. Ah like tae hink that everyhin happens fur a reason, an the only reason it happent tae me wis because ah wis doggin school the day the aliens appeart.

Ah’d been sent tae see an educational psychologist yi see. Cannae mind when exactly… a month later… two months… possibly mair… The doctors said ah wis sufferin fae baith post-traumatic an anterograde amnesia as well as other hings. Magine huvin two amnesias? Fuckin nae luck ataw, eh? Anyway, this psychologist come intae the school – she wis wan nosey bastart, pure askin a mullion questions aboot how did ah find ma school work, an how wis ah gettin on wi ma teachers an the other wans in ma class. Noo, ah might no be Brain A Britain but am no that stupit – ah knew if ah said anythin aboot the wans in ma class that laughed an slapped thir hauns at me, or the teachin staff who looked the other way, ma life widnae be worth livin. So, ah tolt her everyhin wis fine; ah tolt her ah forgot stuff sometimes, an ah gied her a few examples ae me bein a pure idiot, an she seemed quite happy at that. Then on the mornin ae that second psychology appointment, ah did whit ah always used tae dae whenever ah didnae want tae go tae school – ah kiddet on ah wisnae well – then ah waitet tae ma ma went oot tae her cleanin job, an ma da went doon the bookies, an ah snuck oot tae the Robbie Park.

See tae be honest, ah cannae mind much else aboot that day. Ah wis feelin a wee bit wabbit, an it’d startet tae piss a rain; an wan minute ah wis at the Animals’ Corner feedin bits a plain breid tae Sally the goat, an the next thir wis a mad flyin saucer birlin above ma heid.

Yi’d hink sumdy else widda seen a spaceship alightin on the roof ae the hen hoose. Apparently no though. It wisnae whit yi’d caw a subtle entrance either, whit wi aw the squawkin an the shriekin. Tae be fair, it wisnae a very big spaceship – aboot the size ae wur livin room – an it wis a right dreich mornin, an thir wurnae much folk oot an aboot. But still.

Ah’d this sudden blindin heidache right as ah wis lookin up at the thing, followed by another wan ae they stupit fits. When ah woke up ah wis lyin on a gurney an wearin whit looked lik a metal colander roon the tap ae ma heid.

Noo, ah know whit yir probly hinkin. Yir hinkin, Brain injury equals fuckin doolally. Aye, mibby yir right. Mibby ah’m are an extra-special-terrestrial, a weirdo, a queerie lik aw the cunts fae school kept sayin. An mibby ah don’t know every single detail ae whit happent tae me that day. But ah’m wan hunner percent positive they wur real aliens ah saw, an that they aliens saved ma life.

Ah felt much better after the aliens unclamped the mad colander fae ma napper an beamed me back doon tae street level. Ah still couldnae concentrate great an ma memory wis the same swiss cheese – but the dizziness, an the nausea, an the constant poundin ah’d hud in the back ae ma skull fur months wis totally gone.

When ma da come oot the bookies he fun me sittin on a waw roon the back ae the Renfra toon hall: ah’d a bottle ae Strike Cola, three big pickles, an a bag a chips fae Dominic’s; ah also hud nae clue how ah’d got there or whit’d enabled me tae pay fur a chippy.

No long after that, ah went fur a folly-up the hospital. That wis when aw the palaver ensued between the different doctors, because they couldnae find any trace ae a skull fracture wi thir machines. They did two mair CT scans plus an MRI but still thir wis nada. In the end they decidet that thir hud obviously been a mix-up wi the first x-ray, an that thir wis never any damage tae ma heid ataw.

Ah did hink aboot tellin the doctors that ah’d been abducted by aliens. But ah knew it’d be a big mistake. Ah could jist imagine masel bein wheeched aff tae some random laboratory fur further tests; probly some snide wee orderly wid tell the papers an ma full family wid end up wi the News Ae The World up wur backs.

So ah kept it buttoned an got on wi ma life.

Ma memory never got any better, an school remained shite, but ah learnt tae live wi the deficits, an the educational psychologist – who turnt oot tae be quite nice – continued tae request me every Monday mornin fur the rest ae the year which got me ootae Tutorial Maths. Hings at hame wur much the same: ma ma wis still ma ma, an she still never listent tae a word ah said; an ma da wis still a bit ae a dick, but him an me got on a lot better.

An thir wis wan other good hing that came oot ae aw this – ah realised ah actually quite liked ma da’s alien invasion programs.

Ely Percy is an award winning Scottish writer, perhaps best known for their novel Duck Feet.?

Their first publication was a letter-cum-poem in Big! magazine in 1994. Since then, they’ve released a memoir Cracked: Recovering After Traumatic Brain Injury, graduated with distinction from Glasgow University’s MPhil in Creative Writing and contributed over fifty short stories to literary journals including New Writing Scotland, Scotsman, Orange and Edinburgh Review.

Percy’s debut novel Vicky Romeo Plus Joolz was published in March 2019 by Knight Errant Press. Their second novel Duck Feet came out on March 2021 and won The Saltire Society’s Scottish Fiction Book of the Year in November of the same year.


Art: Mark Toner

The Alien Invasion was first published in Shoreline of Infinity 28 in 2021, and republished in Shoreline of Infinity 35, The SF Caledonia special issue in 2023.