#NoBadVibes
Katy Lennon

Debbie Cannon reads #NoBadVibes
CASE STUDY NO. 89 – LOCAL TERRA YEAR: 2020
[BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – ARTICLE TWO]
Hey what’s up you guys, it’s Pixie! And I’m back with a follow-up video that I never thought I’d make! [LAUGH]
For those of you who haven’t seen my original unboxing video, I’ve linked it in the description box, so please go check it out! So, shit’s been going down! If you follow me you’ll already know all about it, but I just want to address a few things in this video. For those of you who were concerned for my safety, don’t worry! I got rid of all the gross, weird stuff they sent me. It’s all in the garbage, where it belongs! [LAUGH]
[EDITOR’S NOTE: A full breakdown of the items gifted to the terrestrials in this particular instance is available at personal request. Original transcript file is indefinitely unavailable.]
You guys had a massive response, my tweet about it even started a trending hashtag, #Justice4Pixie, that was pretty crazy! And listen, I know that everything you guys do comes from a place of love, and shows how much you care about me, and that makes me feel so good because I love you all so much!
But, you know you have to look after yourselves. I heard about a few of you turning up to the alien base, and I know it was just to talk about the box they sent me, but you WILL get vaporized! Too many of you guys have been already, and I just can’t condone that! I know you just love me and care about me, but you have to be careful!
And I know a lot of you wanted me to address the death threats? That the aliens claim to be receiving? I highly doubt that any of you guys would do that, so I think there might be a bit of embellishing happening there. I know all of you so well, and I just don’t think it’s in any of your natures to say something like that.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: In this particular instance, the terrestrial selected for contact maintained a following of over 10 million other beings on her home planet. In this case, individual specie traits such as pride and self-image were not acknowledged. Since then, extensive research is done before establishing contact, making each one adaptive to the life forms in question.]
But maybe they’re like, misunderstanding you or something, so I think it’s best you don’t communicate at all.
Okay, I have a feeling I’ll be making another update video about this pretty soon! [LAUGH] so I’m not gonna say that is the end of this! Let’s just say they’ve been in touch, and I think we’ve found a way to resolve the issue. Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe, thank you guys so so much for watching and I’ll see you next time! Bye!
[END AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – ARTICLE TWO]
[BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – ARTICLE THREE]
Hey you guys, it’s Pixie. So, I’m feeling pretty pissed off that I even have to make this video. It’s a complete joke and, like I honestly can’t believe we’re being treated this way. I’ve already posted on my daily story about this but it pissed me off so much I had to sit down and talk to you about it. So, like I mentioned in the update video, I have been in touch with the alien occupiers, but things have not gone as well as I thought they might.
I thought they would apologize for sending me that gross box, and maybe show me some cool alien shit, like let me see into the future or something. They always seem nicer in the movies, even if they mostly ended up blowing us up. I always thought they seemed cool. But they were not like that AT ALL. I turned up to the base and… well there was a lot to deal with. For one thing, they were ugly af! [LAUGH] I thought they might be cute, like little green dudes, but no! Pot-bellied weirdos, all of them! And they were all NAKED! That was pretty distracting, straight off the bat.
THEN! They didn’t even want to apologize?! And honestly? I kinda tuned out after they refused to say sorry, that was the whole reason I’d gone all the way over there. They kept going on about using me as a ‘beacon’ to ‘spread their message’ to the people of Earth. But I wasn’t really listening. Actually, I got to burn them pretty good, I waited until they’d said their whole spiel, then I just looked at them totally deadpan and was like ‘So, you’re saying this has been a total waste of my time?’
[EDITOR’S NOTE: This response was key in ending the debate in favour of planet liquidation. It is important to consider local colloquialisms when determining a planet’s fate. These testimonies can be downloaded on personal request.]
It was so great, I totally owned them! [LAUGH]
They even asked me about that thing in the bottle, do you guys remember that? I told them I found it slithering about my room like a creep and I got my bf to kill it with a shoe. Oh man, they were not happy about that.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: All visiting life forms involved in cautionary missions are now protected under the Life Form as Commodity Law]
Apparently, it was this magic creature that could have cured world hunger or something? Like it shits plants that we can eat? I was like who wants to eat a shit plant though? [LAUGH] That thing was GROSS I wasn’t about to keep it in my house!
Anyways, they kept going on and on at me, getting more and more dramatic, saying the ‘fate of the planet was in my hands’, humanity is ‘on a path to destruction’, just clickbaity shit like that. They kept asking me to tell everyone to ‘change their ways or face obliteration,’ I was like, um I don’t have that kind of influence, I only just got verified on Twitter. Plus, fuck you – pay me, bitch! [LAUGH] Apparently the whole box thing was their way of connecting with me, to try and get me to spread this message. Um, I think they need new PR staff, tbh! Because that was a hot mess.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The Visual Warning Law prevented the use of this method, and required all cautionary expeditions to include visual aids as part of their campaigns.]
I just wanted to get out of there ASAP, so when they asked me for my final answer I was like ‘Bitch, I already told you! NO!’ [LAUGH] After that they FINALLY let me leave. Pretty soon after that, their nasty looking spaceship flew away. I don’t even know why, they’re so fucking petty.
Everyone in my comments section seems pretty concerned about it, but I don’t think we have anything to worry about. We’re, like, the best planet in the solar system! Let them go back where they came from, our cultures are obviously just not compatible. For all you haters saying we’re about to be annihilated, STFU and get off my page! #NoBadVibes!
Hopefully that should be the last video I make about this whole thing! Thank fuck it’s all over with! We can finally get back to the things that really matter. I’ll have a new haul for you guys next week! Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe, I love you guys so so much, and I will see you next time! Bye!
[END AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – ARTICLE THREE]
Katy Lennon is a queer horror writer living in Edinburgh. Their work has been published in Mycelia, Witch Craft Magazine, Malefaction and 404 Ink’s The F Word


First Published in Shoreline of Infinity 11 in 2018.